


I Want Fake

by justafan (orphan_account)



Category: Supernatural, Supernatural RPF
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-16
Updated: 2015-01-16
Packaged: 2018-03-01 17:53:04
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 12,225
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2782163
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/justafan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sam and Dean have ended up in Jared and Jensen's world again. This time on purpose. And, Jared and Jensen are a couple.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Even the Best Fall Down Sometime

**Author's Note:**

> Some back story will develop. I just haven't got to it yet. Constructive criticism is welcome, regardless, I hope you guys like it :)

 

                My face feels numb from being stuck in a smile for so long. I wonder if it still actually looks like a smile. It's messed up that I've been faking this expression to the point that I'm not sure if I look like a stroke victim with a drooping corner or something. There's white noise of idle chatter and dishes clanging. I've got to get out of here, I can't keep this together much longer. I start looking frantically for the nearest exit.

Jesus, let me get out of here before I breakdown.

Please don't let me do this in front of people.

          I vaguely hear the door slam closed behind me as I'm already on the last step of the entrance. They probably think I'm a dick. But, I couldn't fake it for another second. I just bolted without a word. I couldn’t bare another second of falsely enthusiastic small talk. It was supposed to be a tension-easing dinner. It definitely wasn’t working for me. I walked out without a word. Half ran really. I could feel the tightness in my chest, it’s like this anxiety is tangible.

I can't breathe.

Oh god!

I’m being choked!

This necklace is too small!

When did it get this tight!

Why is it so hot?

          I yanked the amulet off and threw it to the ground, hoping this feeling would go with it. I darted for the side of the building. It doesn't provide much privacy but more than the front stoop of the restaurant would. What am I doing? I see bushes and shrubs. I think I see a dim glare from the street lights onto the privacy fence around the property. I didn't know what else to do, there was nowhere to run. I fell into a squat, leaning against the side wall between some shrubs.

At least I'm hidden by shadows. I put my hands on my face noticing that it’s wet, and held them there. I closed my eyes and tried to breathe steady. My exhale felt ragged and uneven. OK, that didn't work.

Try it again, just breathe, and get calm enough to get to the car. I can break down there. Not here. Another slow breath out.

OK. I got this. I stood and ran my fingers through my hair. Hopefully I look presentable. I turn to face the light coming from the entrance windows and I try to take a step. Nope, I don't got this.

I fall to the ground completely this time. Something inside me breaks. I scream aimlessly through gritted teeth.

I don’t know what I did to deserve this!

Why am I not allowed to just be happy?!

           My face is wet again, even my shirt collar too. I've got to be quiet someone’s going to hear me. I'm a grown ass man, why can't I get my shit together? When did my life come to this? Crying on the ground, in the dark, outside of a restaurant. In a universe of my own personal Hollywood hell. I hear the leaves squishing into the ground. Footsteps were coming... Until they weren't. I held my breath and looked up to see Jared’s confused face. I feel like it should take me longer to distinguish him from Sam, but it doesn’t. He studied me silently for a second, then held out my necklace and opened his mouth to say something, but didn’t. I could feel his tension. I'm sure he wanted to show concern but he was hesitating. I guess he couldn't find the words to describe this heaping mess of crying, childish, baby of a man he's seeing. Jared’s words were caught. I couldn't meet his eyes. What am I supposed to say to him? I can't explain this. Hell, I don't even understand it. The stress and embarrassment swelled up in me and came out in little giggles through tears.

"Pathetic. I know." I looked at Jared’s worn boots for a second then closed my eyes and leaned against the cool brick.

After a tense minute, "That's not what I was thinking." Jared broke the silence. I guess I'm supposed to ask what he, in fact, was thinking. But I just don't have the energy. He didn't press.

"You dropped this" His voice was soft but guarded. I took the amulet from his outstretched hand and gave him a faint 'supposed to be a smile' expression of gratitude. I should've said thanks but if I tried to make a sound I'm afraid it would just be cries again.

"I'll go pull the car around." He stared at me until I nodded to acknowledge him.

I measure my breaths and pick mindlessly at the leaves on the shrubs. I feel numb inside now. My mind should be running crazy, but oddly, I’m not thinking anything. I don’t think I can. Or, I’ll end up back in psycho-county, destination tears-ville. I hear the engine coming closer and I stand as Jared is coming to a stop beside me. I open the door and get in.

“Are you gonna go get them?”

“Sam seems to be enjoying interrogating Jensen. He said they’ll catch a cab in a few.”

“Ohh…” I bet that’s awkward. Not that this isn’t.

“Yeah, I don’t see those two being friends.” When I didn’t respond, Jared started to back track. “I mean, Sam’s cool and all. But, he’s quiet. So is Jensen for the most part. Unless he’s being a smartass. I just don’t think they’ll have much to talk about.”

“I hear ya” I knew what he meant. Jensen seems like a douche to me, and I could tell that Sam made him uncomfortable. I just don’t feel like talking about it.

The ride fell quiet. But the awkwardness dwindled. I appreciate Jared not questioning me. I wouldn’t have guessed he’d be this cool about it. We rode silently back to Jared’s apartment.

* * *

 

 

          Jensen had been watching Dean. He created Dean. He’d worn those expressions himself, and he knew that Dean was straight up freaking out. He wondered if he should comfort him, but this whole situation just seems crazy. Dean was smiling the way that someone would if there was a gun to their head and they were being commanded to smile. He had no idea besides the obvious mix of realities what could be getting to Dean this much. The man was usually a stone. And Jensen knows, because he’s him. Well, he plays the character of him on TV. Normally that’d be where the story ends, but this one apparently doesn’t. Because there are alternate universes where fake characters are real, and magic, and demons, and shit he needs to wake up now. Sam was scooting a piece of squash around on his plate. That boy seemed deep in thought. Or dumb. One of the two, because I don’t know what could be so damn interesting about that squash.

And… Dean snapped. He slammed his chair back into the wall, and jumped up like his seat was a fire. He ran out of the restaurant. I shoot Jared a look asking him to please kill us all now.

Sam looked up shocked and speechless, as he and a few other guests watched Dean’s hasty exit.

“Did I do something?” Sam asked Jared’s opinion since they were all just sitting there dumbfounded. No one was eating at this point. I could see the wheels turning in Jared’s head and I do not like where they were rolling. Jared didn’t respond immediately.

“It’s because we’re together, man.” I motioned at Jared and myself. It has to be. “We’re freaking him out. He’s watching the incestuous newlywed version of himself and Sam, since it’s me and you.” Seriously though, it has to be weird as hell.

“Well… It’s kind of strange… but it doesn’t bother me. I really don’t see this being Dean’s reaction to you guys being a couple.” Sam’s face fell and he went back to investigating his food. “Or, maybe it is.” He spoke softly.

Jared put a comforting hand onto Sam’s shoulder. “I think I know what’s wrong with him. And, it has nothing to do with you.” Sam nodded to be polite, but clearly didn’t believe him.

“I’ll go get him, if I’m not back soon… catch a cab.” With that Jared stood to follow Dean.

“Hey! Uh… I mean… what’re we supposed to do?” I was giving him by best impression of a lost child in Walmart, begging his parents not to leave again.

“Bond… or something. Just be nice.” He smiled warmly at Sam, then gave me a look telling me that I better behave myself, and he was gone. And the awkward set in. Small talk, I guess would help. Apparently, Sam had the same idea.

“So, did you go to college to become an… actor, or whatever?” He finally took a bite. I smiled slightly at his efforts.

“Nah, it just kind of happens. Right place right time kind of thing.” When Sam didn’t respond, I tried to save the conversation. “How about you?”

Annnnd, fuck. Sam dropped his fork. His head snapped up and he bored his eyes into me.

“Are you asking me if I went to college?” His eyes narrowed.

I know, that physically he and Jared are, like, the same. But regardless of his name, he is huge. 6’4 and ripped. I’m fairly comfortable that Jared would never hit me. Sam, however, has no reason not to cut my throat the same as he’s done a few hundred other times. I swallow and I’m pretty sure the people in the next state felt the tension rolling around me.

“Uhh… yeah… I mean, no. Shit man, I’m sorry. I obviously didn’t think that through.” I braced myself for a fist or knife or something to come at me. Instead I hear a quiet chuckle.

“I did. It didn’t work out too well” Sam had a slight smile. “Wrong place, wrong time kind of thing” He seemed to be entertained by my reaction. It’s quiet again, but I now think it’s probably better that way.

“Can I get another?” I raised my beer at the waiter standing close by.

“Me too, please” Sam spoke up, then turned back to me.

“Well, are there any theories on why you guys are here? Like, in our… world, or reality, or whatever you call it.” This topic seems much safer. Sam was quiet for what seemed like an eternity.

“I could tell you, but I think it’d be better after a few beers. Make that pints. And of whiskey.” There wasn’t even a hint that Sam was kidding.

“That bad?”

“It wasn’t really an accident this time.”

I am speechless. And terrified. What could happen in this world that could possibly require a visit from Sam and Dean freakin’ Winchester?

“Dean doesn’t know, but I brought us here on purpose.”

“Ok… ya’ wanna’ tell me why?”

“Like I said, more alcohol first.”

I don’t think I like this pushy, confident, and damnit sneaky version of Sam. What about the nerdy, sweet, puppy, normal Sam.

“If you say so…” He smiles reassuringly at my reserve. As if on cue the waiter brings the beers over and sets them on the table. Before he can leave Sam asks for a round of shots.

“Dude, seriously?” I thought he was exaggerating about the alcohol.

“I told you… you’re going to need it.” Sam raised his beer and waited for the second it took for me to snap out of my stupor and clank mine to his.

 

 


	2. It's All a Reflection of You

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Leading up to the whole universe clashing...

 

The Beginning

* * *

*-* Dean*-*

* * *

 

I don't know how in the hell I'm supposed to focus on driving with all that slurping going on. I turn the music up. It doesn't drown him out, and it doesn’t help me. I can't keep from focusing on my peripheral vision. Sam has a phallic shaped sweet, slobbery, bright red popsicle working it in and out of his mouth. He's enjoying that way too much.

"Since when do you even eat that shit?" I shift in my seat and try not to look at him.

"Huh?" He pulled it from his lips letting them make a pop sound, but held it in the air an inch from them as he looked at me with doe eyes.

"Ice cream... Really? Aren't you on a strict lettuce and rice cake sort of diet?" My tone is sharper than I intend. I pull into the drive and cut the engine.

"Well... For one, it isn't ice cream. It’s a popsicle. A vegan one at that, real frozen strawberries. And second, since when do you care what I eat?"

He puts it back between his lips and twists the stick in circles, but he doesn't look away from my eyes. That fucker. I feel my face heat up. I tear my eyes away from him and make my way into the bunker.

"Since you're eating it in my car." Even I know it's a stupid excuse, but what else am I supposed to say? Don’t eat that, you’re turning me on? I don’t think so. I get inside and he's following close behind.

 

* * *

*-* Sam*-*

* * *

 

"Are you seriously mad at me right now?" My voice sounds high pitched even to my own ears. I guess that's what happens when I'm responding to complete crap.

"Yes, Sam, I'm seriously pissed at you" he stopped pacing the foyer and threw a hand in the air motioning at me.

"Why?!"

"For eating in my car! You know why!"

"Dude, you eat in the car all the time"

Dean is scurrying around the bunker, pretending to be busy. Moving books and weapons from one place to another.

"That's different"

"Oh my God, how is that different?" My tone is flat.

"Because Sam!" He slammed the books back into their same place. "I eat burgers in there. It’s a man food being eaten in a man’s car. A little grease never hurt 'nything."

“But popsicles do?” I couldn't help but huff in awe of his mood swing. "Whatever" I don't know what else to say.

"I don't want none of that vegan, healthy smealthy, pansy crap in my car. Got it?"

 

I don't know why he's picking a fight and I am so over trying to figure him out.

 

"Cuz you won't be ridin' in my baby if you don't."

I sat on the couch and opened my laptop. It was on the last screen that was loaded before it'd been shut. The search query was, 'Jared Padaleski'.

 

"Did you hear me?" Dean was standing close directly waiting for a response.

I go back to enjoying my popsicle. I don't care enough to put it down.

 

"I'll show you ridin' you, baby" I said it under my breath. It wasn't supposed to be decipherable. But I swear I see the faintest hint of red in my brother’s cheeks as his eyes go wide. I make eye contact with him. He’s just staring.

"What?" I try to put as much expression of annoyance into that word as possible. It means go away. He shook his head at me before continuing to sulk and stomp around pretending to be mad about me eating in his car. God only knows what his real issue is.

My attention is back on my laptop. Jared Padaleski... Why does that seem familiar? I scroll through the other recent history. Days of Our Lives, Otter charities, alternate universes, and most recently Jared Padaleski. I remember now. Padalecki. It was supposed to be Padalecki. That was fake me, that one time in bizzaro world/ actor land. Why in the world would Dean be researching that? Hmm. I close the laptop and place it on the end table.

I get up to find Dean scrubbing at a pan in the kitchen. Something must be really wrong with him. Especially since I didn't even know we had pans, let alone dirty ones. I lean against the counter, trying to appear casual. Like, the previous exchange is forgotten. Dean doesn't acknowledge my presence.

 

"Hey man, have you used my computer lately?- it's OK if you have, I'm just curious"

He still doesn't look at me.

"No" his voice is low and gruff. He's being curt.

"There was some weird stuff on there when I opened it." I’m still trying to be nonchalant.

"Whatever weird kinky porn you're into, that’s your business" Now he’s just being an ass.

"Just tell me why you were researching Jared Padalecki, what's up?" I turn to throw the stick from the popsicle away, and grab myself another one.

He's still scrubbing at his probably already clean dishes.

"I wanted to see if his dorky little, sweet ass would show up on Google, Sam, why else would I?" He is laying on the sarcasm thick.

"You're such a friggin' jerk, Dean!" My patience is gone. He finally looks up after that. His expression goes from annoyed to... Flustered? - That doesn't make sense- to furious, in less than 3 seconds.

"Another fucking popsicle?!" He stares at me in an irrational rage. He freezes, holding another soapy plate. For real, when did we get all these dishes?

"What is your problem with the damn popsicles?" He doesn't respond. But, then I think about everything. The blushing, the flustered look, the restlessness in the car, and how he kept squirming, and angling away from me. I should've been freaked. I should've been scared, mad, upset. Just about anything besides... turned on... I don't think, I can't think.

 

We're just staring at each other, I need to test my theory. I look from him to the strawberry popsicle. Before my upstairs brain can react, I shove the entire thing in my mouth. I feel the freezing cold sweetness against my tonsils and I lock eyes with Dean. His eyes are popping away from his skull. They are huge and curious, sparkling and full of, dare I say, lust. I slowly pull off of my tasty treat, never moving my eyes from his. Right as I get to the end I let my tongue fall out, and give a flat abrupt final lick, before swirling it on the tip. We're both stuck. My heart is beating out of my chest, into my ears. My face is red, I can feel that it’s hot. His mouth is barely parted, his pupils are dilated so much that I can't see any of the jade green. He looks to my still wet lips for a brief second before looking into the sink. He still isn't moving. Neither am I. I see his breathing change. It gets faster, I can feel the rage coming from him in waves. I throw the fresh popsicle into the trash. My upstairs brain has time to catch up.

"Dean, I’m sorry! I have no idea- wait!" He slams the plate into the water. The soap splashes up over the counter, into the floor and on the walls. He is furious. And charging away from me.

"DEAN! I didn't mean to..." I tried yelling after him. If anything, he just sped up. What. Just. Happened.

* * *

 

 

"Cas, hey man how are ya?" It's awkward silence on the phone.

"...I am fully functioning Sam, why do you ask?"

"I just meant, like, what've you been up to?" There was a longer silence this time.

"Cas?"

"Yes Sam, I've been well. Would it be correct to assume my feeling that you need something is right?" I know he wasn't being rude, he's just being Cas, I can't help but laugh softly at his awkwardness.

"Well, something happened with Dean. I haven't seen him in a while. Have you heard from him?"

"I did." That's all he offered.

"Ok... what did he tell you?" I'm suddenly nervous.

"A lot more than he meant to."

"Cas, can you be a little less vague here please? I'm worried."

"We need to talk, where are you?"

"The bunker... just co-" Cas appears in the study beside me.

"'mon over..." I hang up the phone. I can't help but notice the more than usual unease of Cas' stance, and the small worry lines on his forehead.

"What's wrong?"

"Dean called on me, but didn't answer when I responded." He told me.

"And?"

"But he opened the line of communication, I still heard his concerns." When I don't respond Cas continues.

"I know everything Sam. How he feels, I mean."

I sit back down. I feel embarrassed, and lost. There aren't enough words to describe what I feel. I rest my face in my hands and hope I disappear.

"It's ok Sam, don't be ashamed."

"How can I not be?" I'm astounded that Cas would say such a thing.

"Look, Sam, I'm in no position to lecture on what's right or wrong. But, like with everything else in your lives, this is a gray area. It's not black and white."

I'm feeling panicked.

"What now Cas?"

"Do you feel the same as he does?" He asks.

"That depends, how does he feel?"

"He loves you Sam. He's in love with you. I've felt every inch of the man's soul, and it's all a reflection of you."

I don't know what to say. I can't breathe. This is too fast.

"You can't know that, Cas, not for sure." I stand up to go anywhere that's not here.

"Wait Sam. There's something else."

I look at him speechless. Seriously, what else could there be?

"I told you this is a gray area. In our alternate world, the one where you guys are actors; you're also lovers."

I suddenly feel mad at him. He has no business knowing all of this. Or putting it all on me.

"What am I suppose to make of that?" My voice is raising. He backs off a little, softening a bit.

"It means that although you're brothers here, you're also lovers in another life. But, it's still your life, its still you and him."

"Ok, but here in the real world that's incest. It's highly frowned upon." That was sarcasm, and jesus, it's actually incest. I haven't thought of that nasty word until now.

"In that other life they are real. You and Sam are characters, you're fake."

"It doesn't matter Cas. No matter how either of us feel, we could never be together. We'll never work it out. Our lives are freaky enough we don't need to add this to it."

I start to walk away from him. I'm done with this feeling, and this conversation.

"I'm sorry Sam. I'm tired of this world of darkness. The two of you are making your lives harder by denying yourselves of this."

I continue walking.

"You'll see. You're meant to be together. I'll return for you when you see."

I stop and spin to face him. Suddenly frantic. "NO! Cas, NO!"

"I'm sorry Sam." Everything went black.

* * *

 

 

"Not this shit again" I heard Deans voice. Except it sounded lighter, like it hadn't been burdened by years of demon hunting and family dying. My sight goes from black to blurry. I see my brother, I think it's my brother, standing over me.

"Leave sad me alone Jensen" I chuckled. Well not me, but my voice. Coming from someone else.

"It's not funny Jared."

"Come on, it's kinda funny."

"whatever... Hey! uh... Sam? Jared number two? Sad Jared? Dude, wake up." he was lightly smacking my face. Suddenly I was alert. I remembered Cas. That bastard. I don't know why he's so invested in this.

"Wheres Dean?" I ask, the panic setting in.

"Calm down, he's fine." Presumably Jensen, told me.

"I didn't ask if he was ok, I asked where he was at." I shouldn't be angry at them, but I need to be angry at someone and Cas isn't here.

Jensen was not the least happy nor sympathetic toward my smart remark. He might not be Dean but they do still wear the same expressions.

"Sorry" I mumbled. For the first time I look around. We're in a clean modern style apartment. Nice view of a weird large city, I see.

"where am I?" I ask, nicer tone this time. Jensen rolls his eyes and walks away. Cueing Jared to step in.

"Vancouver. My apartment to be more specific." Jared seems much more relaxed than Jensen. Maybe even a bit childish, sort of bouncy.

"Great." I snarl before apologizing again. "Sorry. Long day." Jared laughs it off.

"So, Dean. He's wound a little tight. He went for a walk."

"In Vancouver?!" I couldn't help but show my surprise.

"Given all that you guys have made it through, I think he'll be Ok." Jared seemed soft, sweet. Talking to someone with a face identical to mine is weird. But, it's obvious we're very different people. I nod my head and look at my hands. The awkward sinking in.

"Can I use your computer?"

"You really are Sam aren't you?" I hope that's rhetorical because I don't have a clue what to say. I guess Jared knows that, he continues. "Sure. Dean's already been on it, so, any porn is probably his." I assume that was supposed to ease the tension. It doesn't. Jared clears his throat. "We're meeting Dean down the block in an hour for dinner. I'm guessing you guys aren't going to get this universe slip thing solved before then."

I nod and go to the computer that I see on a corner desk. Jared and Jensen have both left the room, I'm sure they find this amusing. To pass time I go to YouTube. The first thing in recommended videos are Supernatural conventions. Egotistical much? I watch a few out of curiosity. They're mostly entertaining. They talk about the story lines, story my ass. But what makes them great are Jared and Jensen. They glow when they're with each other. You can see the happiness and love shining in their eyes. Jensen always seems shy until Jared comes out to stage, then he plays off of him. You can see him open up when Jared is around. Vice versa, Jensen takes care of Jared. He reminds him to be careful, he fixes a coffee lid for him, his eyes crinkle when he smiles at Jared like he's the only person in the room. No matter what universe he was in, or life as Cas called it, that love between Jensen and Jared is real. I get lost clicking from one random video to the next. I find this world's Castiel fascinating. I mean, could he be any more different than Cas? It doesn't seem like fifteen minutes before Jared returns to tell me it's time to meet up with Dean.

It's not like Dean and I will be able to 'talk' over dinner. Maybe after we'll get a chance. Here goes nothing

 

 


	3. Nothing Else Matters

* * *

The rest of Sam and Jensen's dinner

* * *

 

 

“That’s enough. Now, spill.” Jensen slid his empty shot glass into his other empty four.

I know this man deserves an explanation, but I don’t know how I’m going to go about this. It’s taken me the span of my entire life to come to terms with the fact that I have sick and twisted feelings towards my brother. The feelings have become a part of me that I’ve learned to ignore, but Jensen isn’t going to be so accustomed to the freakiness. He’s looking at me with his lips pursed and a small line of impatience between his brows. The alcohol apparently didn’t have the affect I was hoping for.

“You said that you’re here on purpose. Why’s that?”

“How long have you and Jared been together?”

“What does that have to do with you?” He’s confused, I can see that I caught him off guard.

“C’mon, just answer the question.”

Jensen looks around and actually seems embarrassed. I definitely didn’t expect that. Maybe he’s more like Dean than I thought. He grabs his warm abandoned beer. Sudden thirst seems to be his way of avoiding my question.

“Jensen, why is this off limits? You know my life story, and you’re asking me for details that aren’t easy to give you. But, you can’t answer a simple question about the man you love?”

“Fine. Four years.” He answers but is still aggravated.

“Was it easy for you guys to get together?” I ask him, and he looks astounded.

“Hell no it wasn’t easy!”

I sit up straight, taken back by his sudden enthusiasm.

“I’m not gay!”

I give him a look that should describe plainly how stupid I think that sounds.

“I mean, I wasn’t gay. Neither was he. I still don’t know that I’m gay… I know it sounds stupid but I’m not… attracted to men. Never before him, and not since him.”

“But, you guys were friends first right?” I’m trying to get to a point.

“Well, yeah. Obviously.”

“So… how’d you approach the uh… more than friends part?” I’m the one feeling sheepish now. I’d like to hide somewhere.

“What? No, dude. I’m not answering anything else about me. You’re supposed to be telling me why you and your brother crash landed across universes, and into my living room.” He’s lost all patience now. I really don’t know what to say.

“Well uh, really Cas is the one that sent us here.”

“You said it was your fault.”

“Kind of yeah, but, I didn’t mean it.” I sit back and cross my arms. I feel like curling into myself. Why in the world did I think it was a good idea to tell him this?

“Do you realize how much sense you’re making?”

“I know, I just don’t know how to explain… Cas apparently hears our thoughts when we like, pray, or whatever.”

“Ok. And?”

“Cas and me were talking about a problem that Dean and I were having. I was wondering if you and Jared would be able to help… he just took the thought and ran with it. I didn’t mean for it to put us here.” How could I have been so stupid? I shake my head at myself.

Jensen looks at me like I’m a twelve year old who’s getting on his nerves.

“What could we possibly help the two of you with?”

“Look, just, nevermind.” I can’t do this. Not now. He looks mad. He looks like he thinks I’m an idiot.

He starts ranting. “You start babbling about Jared and I, how we turned gay, if it was difficult or not… how we approached it. Then you say you were sent here because you were fighting with Dean and I’m supposed- to… help…” He trails off. I can see the second when the thoughts click.

“Jesus Christ! You have feelings for him!” He yells it and I can’t tell if he’s disgusted or amused.

“Shhhh. No! No, of course not!” It’d be nice to think he doesn’t see the blood filling my face. But I know he does. Because he’s Jensen. And, Jensen is Dean. And, Dean notices these things.

“I mean… I don’t know… I do know that it’s sick. And weird. I don’t know what I’m supposed to do…”

Jensen gives me a half smile, and begins to tell me about how the “Supernatural” fans have a thing for hoping that the “brothers” are “together.” I decide that I really don’t like this world. It’s twisted. But, maybe if even people in another world can see that me and Dean are more than brothers… maybe it’ll actually be ok if we are. Jensen seems content with the fact that he knows why me and Dean are here, and he doesn’t press anymore on the topic. To calm down a bit I suggest that we order some solid food with no grease or alcohol content before we head back to the apartment.

 

* * *

Dean back at Jared's apartment

* * *

 

 

I heard Jared shut the front door. I go sit on the couch because I don’t know what else to do. My head is spinning, and my eyes are tired. I know Sam was being provocative with that damn popsicle. He had to have been making a joke out of this shit in my head. How could he have figured it out? I’ve tried so hard to hide it. Every day of my life. I’ve been a rock. No emotions. No touching. No nothing. How could he be playing such a cruel joke? And now this shit. Here with Jared and Jensen. Having to watch them flirt and giggle. They’re so comfortably casual and I’m supposed to sit here and pretend that I wouldn’t give anything to be in their position. In this life. With Sam by my side, and for it to be ok.

“Come talk to me for a minute why don’t ya.” I heard Jared’s voice coming from his kitchen. I groan to myself. I don’t feel like talking. I thought he was gonna be cool about this.

“And, lets just skip the hissy fit part, please” He adds. I sort of smile at that as I raise myself off of the couch, letting out a loud grunt of disapproval. I rounded the corner into the kitchen to see Jared going through videos on his phone.

“What’s up?” I’m trying to pretend like this is going to be a normal conversation.

“I want you to watch this.”

I sit beside him and glance at his phone. He presses play, and I see myself. Myself fighting a demon version of myself. I remember exactly when that happened. Me and Sam had drank some dream root. It was before I went to hell, the dream root led me to my worst nightmare. And, at the time, I was afraid of paying up on my deal. I didn’t want to become a demon. I remember this happening, but not quite like what I’m watching. In the video on his phone I look smug. Like I’m confident, the movements are smooth and I swear the lights emphasize my cheekbones. I already know that I’m watching a scene from their show. I’m speechless. I don’t know if this is a joke or what. Why would he be showing me a scene from the show of my life? I guess he senses my unease.

“You remember this right? The dream root thing.” He stops the video and looks at me kindly.

“I lived it. Of course I remember it. You have a messed up sense of humor by the way.” I start to stand and I feel his large hand around my forearm.

“I don’t think this is funny, I have a point.”

“Why don’t you get to it then?” I stop and turn to face him crossing my arms. He glances at the stool like he wants me to sit but he doesn’t ask, and then he continues.

“Look, the dream root showed you your worse fear right? Well, do you remember what Sam’s was?”

It takes me a minute before I realize that I have absolutely no clue. I let my arms fall. It’s the closest I’m gonna get to admitting defeat.

“His nightmare was that you found out about his feelings for you, and you left him.” His eyes drop to the black screen on his phone.

I don’t know how he knows anything about either of our feelings, but I’m almost definitely going to kill Sam for running his mouth.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” I try to walk away and he stops me again.

“Stop, damnit!” He’s in front of me with his hands around my biceps. I know I must look like a scared child, because I was not expecting this turn of demeanor in the normally soft man. I couldn’t take my eyes off of him, and I couldn’t speak.

“You’re really going to ignore the fact that I just told you Sam has feelings for you! Quit being so stubborn and just think for a minute.” He lets go of me and goes back to his stool. I don’t speak but I’m probably not going to try leaving again. I think back to what he said. Sam’s worst fear was that I left him because he has feelings for me… that’s impossible.

“I’d never leave Sam.” I finally speak up, but barely. Jared’s previous intimidating stance is gone, he laughs.

“That wasn’t the point you doofus.” He shakes his head at me.

“What was it then?”

“Oh my god. You and Jensen both I swear. I could paint a billboard and put flashing lights on it, and you still wouldnt get it.” I still don’t know what I’m supposed to say, apparently I’m missing something.

“The point is that he’s in love with you, Dean.”

“There’s no way.” Nevermind, I’m leaving for real this time.

“Why not? You love him. He’s not allowed to feel the same?” Jared raises his voice as I walk out of the room.

“No.” I turn back to him, feeling the anger build in me.

“You know why! Because I don’t get to be happy! I get to be the protector. The sacrificer. I fight and I bleed and I lose. Everyone I love dies. And if by some chance they don’t, then I destroy them. I make them wish they were dead, or at least that they didn’t know me. Sam doesn’t get to feel the same because it’s wrong. It’s not going to happen for us. It never has, and it never will.” I didn’t mean to let all that out. But, whatever.

“So, you think you don’t deserve to be happy?”

“No, you idiot! I’m not meant to be happy! Where have you been the past ten years that you’ve been making this so called ‘television show’! My mother died. My father died. I’ve been responsible for Sammy since I was 5 years old! I’ve lost Bobby, and Ellen, Jo, God I loved Lisa, and Ben. Look what happened there! Kevin’s gone, that’s my fault. All the time that Sam has spent hating me in his life, makes up for any of the small amount that he’s ever tolerated me. So, no. Sam doesn’t have feelings for me. Why would he? I’m a piece of shit, in case you haven’t noticed!” I’m in Jared’s face now.

“I fail, and I fail again. When I try to make the right choice, it’s always wrong. My life is a long string of mistakes leading to other mistakes when I’d try to fix the ones I'd made before. I’m so fucked up, that I’ve wanted to fuck my brother since I was old enough to want it with anyone. How much more of a mess could I be?” I’m done now. That's the first time I've ever said anything like that out loud. Hell, most the time I don't even want to think it. The anger is drained out of me. I feel the darkness creeping back in. I can’t do this anymore. I turn to go anywhere. Anywhere in this world that I don’t have to think about this.

Jared face appears in mine. I’m still looking down as I feel his hand come to rest on the side of my jaw. The sudden closeness shocks me, and I feel myself try to pull away from him. He lets his hand go from my cheek, but in the same instance I feel him wrap both arms around me. I don’t know how to react. The past few days I’ve been on a rollercoaster from hell, but right now, in this moment, I feel like it’s finally stopped. I don’t know this man, not really. But, something about this feels familiar. It feels right. I can’t help but relax into him. There’s a button from his shirt against the end of my nose, but I don’t have the energy to move. I don’t think I want to. I could curl up here and die now. He stands there forever. Half squeezing me, not that I’m complaining. I’ve never felt this solace from anyone. I can hear his heart beating through his chest, and it helps me relax.

“You don’t have to fight anymore, Dean. At least not about this.” He tells me. His voice is barely audible. I feel his fingers start to leave my hair, as I begrudgingly take the hint and pull away from his chest.

He looks at me with a face that I’ve never seen on Sam. It resembles that puppy face Sam makes, but it isn’t quite the same. It’s less puppy-like and more confident.

“Trust me, he loves you too. That’s all that really matters to either of you. Talk to him Dean, and really talk. You’re not going to get anywhere if you’re trying to be a stone.” He pauses. "You don't have to be so strong all of the time." His tone is still comforting, and I don’t know why but I actually believe him. For the first time in my whole life, I’m wondering if it could really be ok. I don’t know what to say to him. There aren’t words to thank him for dealing with my hard headed, pissy self. How do I thank him for making be believe him? I don’t know, so I just say ok. He seems to understand, because he lets me leave.

I go back to the guest room and throw myself onto the neatly made bed. I really just need a break. I need a few hours that I don’t have to think. Or worry. I need sleep. I try to turn off my thoughts and focus on my breathing. It’s working when I hear the front door open and voices coming from the living room. Sam and Jensen are home. Right now, I can’t gather the gumption to care. If I’m going to deal with this crap in the morning I need to sleep now. I close my eyes and let myself float into oblivion.

 

 

 

 


	4. ?When you're standing in the shadows I could open up the sky and give you my devotion"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter title is a song quote from Somebody to Die For by Hurts.

I wake up what seems like a decade later. The sun is shining in through the sheer curtains, and I can feel the warmth across my legs. It’s quiet, which is nice. I wonder what time it is, but I decide I don’t care. I flip over and find the way my face fits best into my pillow. I’m completely content riding my cloud back to sleep. That is, until I feel the earthquake. Monsters I’m good with. Demons, I can handle ‘em. But, an earthquake? What the hell am I supposed to do? I freak. I feel my legs flail, and I grasp at the sheets trying to hold onto the planet. This lasts for exactly .008 seconds which is how long it takes me to realize that there are fists on both sides of my shoulders, pressing into the mattress. Making it bounce beneath me. I snap my neck around to see the Sam-like face that the fists lead to. It’s Jared. And, he’s laughing so hard that I’d be scared for his life, if my other thoughts weren’t focusing on how to end it for him.

“What the fuck are you doing?!” I yell at him in my most angry and intimidating tone that I can find. He’s not fazed by it.

“Dude! You should see your face!” He tells me through his laughs that are still coming. He stands up, off of me and holds a hand to his stomach.

“I’m glad I can amuse you.”

I throw the comforter away from me and sling my legs to the side of the bed. I swear I’d love to punch him in his giggling face if it wasn’t so damn cute.

He let out a few high pitched sighs that are still half laughs. He’s trying to gather himself.

“Look, I’m sorry- I just” He stops talking and bursts into giggles again. In a few seconds he stands upright and pushes his hair back, then runs his hand over his red face to wipe tears from his eyes. “It’s time for you to get up, Sam’s moping. It’s weird.” I guess he’s done now. But, he doesn’t leave. He stares at me, shifts his foot out and places a hand on his hip.

“What am I supposed to do about it?” I look up at him wondering why he’s actually waiting for me to get up.

“Don’t even play that crap. You wanted to wait till morning, well, its noon. Get your pretty ass out of bed and go seduce your brother!”

I’d be mad if I wasn't so flustered. “God, you’re weird.” I stand and shake my head as I walk around him into the living room.

 

 

“Mornin’ sunshine” Jensen greets me as I go to sit in a recliner. I shoot him an evil look. I don’t mean it, but seriously, how happy can these people be all the time. I mumble indecipherably at him as a response.

“Way to be a grumpy ass.” He adds, then starts putting on his coat. I hadn’t noticed Jared’s hoodie and tennis shoes either until now.

“Where are you guys going?” I ask them.

“We have a few hundred rabid fangirls to go please, you two should do the same while we’re gone; get your crap together.” Jensen answered, and even I couldn’t miss the scolding look Jared gave him.

“We have a convention, but it’s close so we’ll be back tonight. My number is on the fridge if you need us. Until then, make yourselves at home.” He smiles, then adds, “But, please do as Jensen says and ‘get your crap together’”

With that they were gone and for the first time today I look at Sam. He really does look like someone kicked his puppy. His hair is falling into his face. His eyes are set on his twiddling hands, but his eyebrows are drawn up in that sad way that he does. I think about saying something, anything, but I have no clue where to even begin. I try to get this sorted in my head. I could say, ‘hey, Jared thinks you love me and that’s cool cuz I love you too.’ That seems a little forward though. I could say… ‘I love you, but it’s ok ‘cuz we’re fucked up anyway.’ Man, this isn’t going to go well. I can feel the panic creeping in. I get up and go to the refrigerator to find Jared’s number, without saying a word to Sam. I text Jared.

 

_-Me: What am I supposed to say? Help. –_   I plan on putting the phone down and freaking out, but I hear a notification too soon.

_-Jared: Jus tell him how u feel, trust me, its all he wants to hear-_

 

 

What am I supposed to do with that kind of advice? I put the phone back into my pocket and stand in the edge of the living room, looking at the back of Sam’s head. I wonder what he’d do if I just walked over there, ran my hands down his chest. Leaned around the side of that couch and just kissed him right on that pitifully gorgeous mouth. I could tell him how much I love him. I’ll tell him that my reason for breathing is because he’s here too. I want to tell him that we can make us work. If we can handle Lucifer, we should be able to handle love… probably. Hopefully.

 

“Stop staring at me” I hear Sam say, but he doesn’t even turn to look at me. I take that cue to go sit on the couch.

“What’s your problem?” I ask him with a sharp tone, and god what’s wrong with me.

He looks at me incredulously before he just huffs and looks at the TV. I rack my brain. I think of every possible approach I could have and they all seem so farfetched it’s ridiculous. I mean, there’s not really any How To’s on confessing love to your brother. I wish Jared was here, he’d just throw it out there without a care or fear in the world.

“Can I ask you a question?” My tone is small now. I feel like a child.

“You just did.” He’s being curt, and doesn’t look at me.

I feel like just getting up and walking out the door. I don’t want to dig within my soul and figure out how to do this. I don’t do confessions. I don’t do soft. Or love. I don’t do vulnerable.

“Sam, I need you to understand what I’m trying to do here. I can’t handle you being… distant… right now. Please don’t be defensive.” I breathe like that alone makes me lighter. My voice is shaking, my head is spinning. Everything in me is telling me to run right now. But, I can’t. Every time I run, it puts me somewhere that I don’t want to be. I want to be here. Well, not here, but with Sam.

“Like you’re not?” He spits out. Then he puts his hand on his face. I wonder if that means he’s done, or if it means he actually wants me to leave. I wait. He runs it up over his forehead and pushes his hair behind his ears. His eyes look glossy when they meet mine.

“I’m sorry.” Is all he says, but he doesn’t sound guarded anymore. Then he perks up. “What did you want to ask me?”

I almost forgot I had a question. I’ve already lost this whole train of thought. Ohh, yeah.

“When we took dream root that one time, what was your nightmare?”

His face falls. His walls are back up, that fast. He’s quiet forever. But, so am I. I’m not gonna be the one to ruin it this time.

 

“You’re not putting this on me, Dean.” He almost sounds mad.

“So, it’s true?” I ask him. And, I decide he’s definitely mad.

“Is what true?! I’ve never told anybody what my dream was!” His shoulders are squared now. I start stumbling over my words.

“It’s ok, I was talking to Jared and he thinks”

“Jared! What the hell does he know! He can’t know what I feel. You can’t believe him!” Sam cut me off.

“Sam, I’m not mad, I’m just trying to talk to you. Give a little here.”

 

His fighting stance is gone, but he still has a weird expression.

 

“I can’t lose you Dean. I don’t know what he told you, but it’s probably not as bad as the truth. I’m so sorry.” He can’t make eye contact with me now. Familiar worry creeps through me. Not because of this conversation, or any feelings that go with it. But, Sam is upset, and I just can’t have that. I have to fix it.

“Don’t be sorry Sam, there’s nothing to be sorry for. You haven’t done anything.” I scoot closer, and try to my arm around him. He pushes me away, then stands up as my heart falls.

“You don’t know what’s going on. You don’t know what I’ve done; why we’re here.” He’s pacing in front of me. That caught me completely off guard. I don’t know what to think, mainly because I’m confused.

“What do you mean, ‘why we’re here’”

“Here. In Vancouver. Of Hollywood world.” He stops and stares at me like he’s about to explode.

“You know why we’re here?”

“I do.” He starts pacing again, in full on freak out mode. “It’s because I love you, Dean. Like, I really love you. I know I’m not supposed to. I know its gross, and you’ll never want to see me again. That’s what my nightmare was by the way. But, I’m so in love with you. Like I’ve never been with anyone in my life. I have been through my whole life. When I was twelve years old, you came home and told me about your first hook up. I wanted to kill the slutty teenaged bitch. And, even now. We have to sleep in these hotel rooms where I’m not allowed to look at you, or to touch you. And, sometimes you come in smelling like sex and liquor, but I can’t say anything because I’m supposed to be doing the same thing. But, I can’t do it any more, Dean. I can’t keep pretending that you’re not everything I’ve ever wanted that’s wrapped up into this beautiful, amazing thing, packaged as my brother.”

 

He stops, he’s panting. Sweat is pouring off of him. I’m just staring up dumbly. For some reason I feel blank.

 

“You really don’t have anything to say?” He’s stuck between panic, and pissed. I sputter. My mind is stalling and trying to come back to life.

“I love you too.” I shake my head and stand up, trying to get my shit together. “But, that doesn’t mean anything. Not for us.”

“How in the hell can you say that and then say it doesn’t mean anything!?” He’s shoving at me and I can’t help but stumble at the unexpectedness.

“Because Sam! I love you so much that I'd gladly give my life for you. I'd sell my soul to give you the moon if you wanted it! I'd crawl to the edge of the universe and back for you! The problem is that I love you too much! So much that I can't do this to you. I can’t bring you down. I’ll ruin you. You know that. That’s how things always work out for me.” He starts to walk away from me.

“Don’t you leave me! It doesn’t mean I don’t love you, Sam! That’s why we can’t be together. What if it doesn’t work out? I’d lose my brother, my best friend. I’d lose you, and I can’t live without you! My life wouldn't have a purpose if you weren't in it. You can’t be mad at me for that!”

He spins around coming at me with a finger pointing into my face. His nostrils are flared and his voice is loud.

“You don’t get to say what I can be mad about! You are too stubborn to see that we’re supposed to be together! That’s why we’re here! Cas said he’d come back for us once we realized it. I have. Now it’s your turn!”

“Cas?” It’s a stupid thing to say.

“Who else? He says that we’re supposed to be together. That Jared and Jensen love each other, and we’re part of them. Even these fans of the show here can see that ‘Sam’ and ‘Dean’ are meant for each other! Why can’t you see it?”

“Jensen and Jared aren’t real Sam. When we get back to our world, the real world. They won’t matter. None of this matters. It’s all fake.”

Sam is still now, but determined.

“Have you not seen them with each other? Jensen fucking glows when Jared is near him! They bicker and they fight. They wrestle, giggle, they kiss. They have to protect each other here, Dean. It’s not easy for them, but they take care of one another, and they make it to the next day.”

Sam gets in my face. He puts his forehead on mine and bores his eyes into me. He grabs my hands and laces his fingers through them. He speaks softer now.

“If the kind of love that they have is fake…” He half laughs to himself. “Then that’s all I want, Dean. I want this with you. It’s always been you and me against the world, nothings changed. Except the fact that now you know, I love you.”

“Don’t” I tell him curtly. I can feel his warm breath against my lips as he’s talking. Daring me.

“I love you, Dean. The word isn’t enough, but it’s true. I can’t sa”- I cut him off by pressing my lips into his.

 

* * *

Sam

* * *

 

 

Dean’s lips are forced onto mine, finally. He’s letting go into me. He’s hot. His lips are soft and hungry. They’re moving rapidly with mine. Pressing harder and harder, until I feel his hand on the back of my head. He’s trying to hold me in closer and that’s perfectly fine by me. I need him. Every inch of him. Every second of every day. Good and bad. His bipolar mood swings, his tough, rugged exterior. And these soft and vulnerable moments. The scared man beneath his façade. The brave one that protects me at all costs. The man who’s given up his life to save others’. I need him. I love him. He breaks away from my mouth, which is the exact opposite of what I’m wanting right now.

“Like I said, I love you too.” He breathes into me. No ‘buts’ this time.

“It seems like it should be more complicated. But it isn’t. Love is the one good thing in our lives. Love is simple. Just let us be in love, Dean.”

He kisses me again. Softly. Slowly this time. It gives me a chance to explore. His tongue is pressing at my lips so I gladly open. He’s tracing the roof of my mouth, I soak it all in until I decide it’s my turn. I swipe my tongue into him and concentrate on the sweet taste. The warm feel. I memorize this so that I’ll never forget it. I pull away this time. I need to make sure this isn’t a dream.

“Okay.” He says. I laugh.

“Okay?” I reiterate.

“Yeah, ok. You love me, I love you, and it’s ok.” He laughs with me now. I’m not sure why. Nothing is really funny. But, it’s nice nonetheless.

“So not that I mind letting this moment last forever, but what now? How do we get home?” He asks me, and I go blank. He’s still holding onto my face and it’s hard to think while I’m looking this deep into those sparkling green eyes. I look away and wonder.

“Uhm” I have no idea.


	5. All of Me

"Do you mean it?" I ask him then step away from his embrace. He seems confused.

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"Us, are you really gonna let us be happy? Cuz Cas said he'd be back when we worked this out and I don't see him poppin in anywhere."

 

"You think I'm lying about loving you so Cas will show up?" His tone is full of judgement. 

 

"I didn't mean it like that, I just mean there's got to be a reason he's not here yet"

 

"Whatever." He huffs at me and goes back to watch TV. He stares angrily at it mostly just to ignore me. I can't believe I screwed this up so soon. I should've known it couldn't last more than ten minutes. I go to sit on the middle cushion beside him, though I know I'm not welcome.

 

He shifts away from me and purses his lips harder. I don't try to hide the fact that I'm staring at him. I bet this will get his attention. After about 45 seconds he speaks.

 

"Now who's the one staring." He sounds pissed. He still doesn't look at me.

 

"I like looking at you." I flash him my best smile. He flusters a little but not enough.

 

"Is it too soon to tell you how sexy I think you are" 

 

"Stop it Sam" his tone is final.

 

"Stop what? I thought we were confessing here." I play innocent.

 

"We were confessing. You ruined it." He's still trying to be a hard ass.

 

"I'm sorry, Dean." I'm impersonating a child. "You really are sexy though, I've always thought you were." He gives me a faint hint of a smile, but he's still refusing to make eye contact. 

 

Suddenly I feel like a codependent puppy that wants attention. I need him to pay attention to me. When he continues to stare at the TV I get uneasy. I shuffle to the other end of the couch and I see him relax a little. Too bad cuz I only did it so I can lay my head in his lap. Facing the TV of course. He's motionless with tension.

 

"Sam."

 

"What?"

 

"Get off me" he's speaking like he's bored, not harshly.

* * *

Dean

* * *

 

 

The little shit is in my lap, what am I supposed to do now? 

 

"Why would you want that?" He's being mischievous and I don't like it one bit.

 

"Why are you acting like this?" Seriously its like he's ten.

 

"You know I love you, so I get to do things now." He tells me matter of factly. I freeze. And panic.

 

"No, you don't. We talked about this 'love' thing five minutes ago, you're not 'doing' anything yet." I don't know what he's thinking. Or if he's thinking but its scaring me.

 

He makes a muffled sound and nuzzles his cheek into my thigh. I still feel tense, my stomach is turning flips and I don't know why. He seems quiet and I'm looking at his hair. I can look as long as he still thinks I'm ignoring him. Or, that's what I thought until I got the urge to play with it and decided, what the hell. His hair isn't curly but kinda wavy. I run my hand palm down into it. I pull it up towards me letting the hair comb between my fingers and fall as it may. I've never really touched it like this before, its like I want to pet him... I wonder if he thinks this is weird... Oh god I bet he does. I stop immediately and stretch my arms to the back of the couch so I'm not touching him. I feel him tracing something into my knee with his fingertips. 

 

"Well you know what I've thought about doing since forever?" He's talking quietly. I don't answer him I guess he takes that as a cue to finish his thought.

 

"Touching you."

 

I don't know what to say. I can feel my heart speed up, I feel anxious.

 

"I use to stand with my ear against the bathroom door when you'd take a shower and dad was away. I could hear the sound of slick friction, the water splattering against the shower walls." 

 

He's still tracing aimlessly with his fingertips but he's doing it on my thigh now instead of my knee. I feel my breathing getting more labored. Like I have a weight on my chest. My legs are heavy and my hips feel awkward with Sam's head so close to my crotch.

 

"A couple of times, you didn't know I was home yet. I could hear you breathing. I heard you moan, and I knew what you were doing. I wanted so bad just to watch"

 

"Sam" he needs to stop. Now.

 

"I'd touch myself, right there in the hallway. You made me so hot just thinking about you. I couldn't help myself. I'd listen to you get close, and I wanted to come with you. At the same time. I wanted it so bad."

 

I can't stand this. The thought of him, teenaged and rubbing himself just because I was. Just because he was thinking about me. He's making me hard just telling me this shit. 

 

"And do you remember, there was a week or two, when I was like 17, that you kept getting mad at dad for mixing up our blankets. You ended up with mine and I kept getting yours. Well I was the one switching them. And, it was only because I knew you had cum stains on it. I wanted to sleep with it. I wanted it against me, and I wanted to mix mine with yours."

 

"Jesus Christ, Sam" I thought he had me hard before.

 

"I'm only telling you because I want you to know... when I say I've loved you forever, I mean it. I really have loved you forever." The light tracing he was doing has turned into more of a kneading motion now heading towards my groin. I feel heat creeping up my shoulders, through my neck and around into my cheeks. My hands feel shaky and unsure. But my mind is definitely made up. 

 

I put a hand on his shoulder to roll him flat on his back. He's still in my lap staring up at me with shining eyes. He's looking at me like I hang the sun each morning and the moon every night. He couldn't be farther from the truth but damn if it doesn't feel good regardless. I just want to look at him, record this moment in stone to my memory. The way his hair is messy and his eyes are waiting. The weight of him in my lap. This look he's giving me right now. I can't ever forget any of it. 

 

He slowly picks my hand up from the back of the couch. He let's my elbow rest on his chest while he examines my hand. I thought he was going to hold it but he didn't. He carefully, lightly traced the lines on my palm. He traced from them, out to my fingertips, and over my knuckles. He pays extra attention to the calluses and burn marks. Even I hadn't noticed how many there were.

 

He brings my hand to his mouth and kisses the back of it. Every motion he makes is calculated. Like he doesn't want to step on a land mine. From his lips he lays my hand flat on his chest. At first I feel the flannel but as he slowly moves it across him I can feel his heart beat. I look at him like there's a question I can't form. He puts both of his hands in a cocoon over mine and trails them down his body. I feel that he's toned beneath the button down plaid. Maybe even has abs. He let's my hand stop on the soft part of his belly beneath his navel. He's still looking at me. His eyes are the most vulnerable I've ever seen them. He's still holding my hand there and I'm not sure what to do next. Or what this means. 

 

"Touch me Dean" he whispers it fast. I don't move because, well, I am touching him... what else does he want. When I don't respond he reacts for me.

 

He guides my hand down to the flap of denim over his zipper. Oh. That's what he means. I feel myself swallow awkwardly. The room heats up a few degrees.

 

He makes this motion, he grabs as much of himself as he can, and starts to massage slowly. There's only one difference between now and what I'm sure he does when he's alone. It's that my hand is between his, and his jeans, so I'm the one feeling the growing bulge as he works himself with my hand. 

 

The air is heavy, like there are a thousand bricks suspended from the ceiling, and we're waiting for them to come crashing down. 

 

I feel him making me rub at the rough denim, and I can't help but contribute a little. I give him a squeeze on the next trip he makes, taking my hand far beneath his zipper, between his legs. He rolls his hips up into it and I feel everything. 

 

I pull my hand out from under his like it suddenly burned me, and I try to stand, pushing him off of my legs. I can't do this. Its not gonna go well. It's me. Nothing ever ends well. I can't mess this up with Sam. I have to get out of here. I need to pause. I thought he was cooperating. He leaned up, I thought he was going to let me go. Apparently he was just getting leverage to pull me back down. 

 

* * *

Sam

* * *

 

I wrapped my arm around his waist and forced him back onto the couch. 

 

"You're not freaking out on me now." I pin him while I rise to straddle him. 

 

"We need to wait" I can hear the fear in his voice. He's struggling to leave.

 

I roll my hips down onto his thigh and rub my crotch up to his abdomen. I feel light headed. Euphoric.

 

"We've waited our whole lives." I feel how hard he is against my leg. I put my mouth onto his and pull up at the bottom of his shirt to bring it over his head. I bite at his lip and he finally responds. I feel him slip his tongue into my mouth. He's warm and needy. I can feel that he's let go. He needs this now as much as I do. 

 

It doesn't take two seconds or a break in contact for me to shift Dean longways on the couch. He pulls his lips away. At first I think he's going to freak out again, but he just stares at me. I've always noticed how attractive my brother is, but never more so, than in this moment. There's nothing but love beaming out of his eyes, I could drown in it, and die happy. 

 

"You're beautiful, Sammy" he breathes out at me, and I cut him off by swiping my tongue beneath his top lip. He pulls away again.

 

"You don't know how many times I've had to stop myself from telling you that." 

 

His words make my heart swell. I'm even more hungry for him now. I start kissing at his neck as I paw for his pants. I slow down and trail my tongue from the hollow beneath his ear down to his collar bone. He tastes sweaty but it's like heroine. I can't stop. He pulls my face back up to his mouth. And I start to undo his pants button.

 

"Wait.. Wait.." I don't wait but I acknowledge him. 

 

"I don't... Know... I don't know how to do this. With a guy, with you" his voice is weak. Its breathy and small.

 

I make myself stop. I bring my hands to the sides of his face. Time stops for a minute and I place my lips softly onto his forehead. 

 

"Do you trust me?" I ask him with my lips still pressed to his forehead. He pulls away from my mouth to look me in the eyes. He's calm. He's happy.

 

"With my life." He answers, and pulls me down onto him. I bask in this for as long as I can. Until my primal side takes over. I pull at his jeans and he lifts his hips. 

 

I'm going to kiss every scar. I'm gonna mend every wound. Every broken little jagged piece of him, I'm gonna make whole with a piece of me. I'll learn every inch of him. Inside and out. I'll let him learn the same of me. After this he'll never have to wonder how much I love him. After this he'll never doubt whether this is right. 

 

* * *

Dean

* * *

 

 

I wake up to a door slamming into the wall. I look up and try to blink away the confusion. It's Jared. Of course it is.

 

"HA! I told you they were doin' it!" He yells it into the hallway.

 

I realize Sam's weight is still on me. He's got his arms wrapped around my stomach, a leg between mine, and his head on my chest. I don't know how he's still asleep, but it's a wonderful sight. There are no signs of worry or stress on his face. There are no signs that he's been through the hell that he has. I know that when I wake him all those reminders will come back. Then again, this is a little awkward now that Jared is standing in the same room. I nudge at Sam. 

 

"Misha said Cas has been looking for you guys, ya'll ready to get home? Or, do you need a little more time to get it on?" He's smiling. I know it's a joke, but he's annoying. 

 

Sam stirs awake but doesn't take himself off of me. It makes me stupidly happy.

 

"Cas, the angel, can't find us?" He asks Jared. Then looks at me.

 

"When did we get in the bed?" He's grinning and it's gorgeous. 

 

"Somewhere between the third and sixth time, I'm not sure." I can't help but be happy. I smile back at him and he leans up to kiss me.

 

"OK, guys, wayyy too much goin' on here for me. Get up , and get dressed. Unless you want to go back to the bunker naked." He leaves and I hear him giving Jensen some 'I told you so's.'

 

Sam looks at me. Serious this time. I didn't know how much fear was possible to feel in a split second when I seen that expression. But then he speaks.

 

"Ya know, we might as well be naked when we go back. I don't plan on wearing clothes for a while." 

 

I pull him back down to his position wrapped around me, it feels like where he belongs. 

 

"Me neither" I trace aimlessly at his bare back. Tickling my name into it.

 

We both hear Cas' rugged voice coming from the living room. He seems cheerful, that's odd. We listen closer. We hear him interrogating Jensen. Sam and I both laugh.

 

"We need to go before Jensen kills our angel." Sam tells me.

 

"Or Jared corrupts him further." I add. He kisses me one last time before we both know it's time to go home.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The End! I hope ya'll liked it!


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